The F word. It scares me.

FAILURE

I’m deathly afraid of failing.

I’m not really sure where the fear came from, but I know I’ve felt it my entire life. A lot of it probably has to do with always feeling rejected. I was the shy, awkward, introverted kid growing up. I got made fun of by my peers for no reason. I didn’t have many friends and the ones I did have were a bunch of shy, awkward introverts themselves. Not knowing why I was “hated” kept me from striving to go further. I liked to play in the “safe zone”. The comfortable spot where I did ok, but wasn’t spectacular. I’d been rejected so many times before, by peers, friends, boys, etc, that I was afraid to do anything that I wasn’t 100% positive I could do. It felt like any time I did take a risk I was almost always rejected, and every time would send me further and further into my shy, introverted shell.

This fear is affecting me more lately because I realize what I am doing is keeping me from being truly happy with life. I have so many plans, things that I want to do and projects I want to start. Things that I know, deep down in my heart, I’ll succeed at. But for whatever reason, I can’t seem to pull the trigger. I have this desperate need to feel independent, yet a crippling fear that I might fail if I take a risk.

It’s a vicious cycle, but it’s something that I’ve acknowledged and is something that I’m determined to get through. Without failure, I don’t learn. I don’t improve. If I refuse to take a risk, I’ll be stuck going through the motions of life instead of actually really living it.

I’m done with settling for what could have been and I’m going to start making these dreams a reality. I’m ready to take my life by the balls and stop denying myself of the things I want and deserve. It’s going to be hard and I might (*gasp*) fail at some point, but I feel like there’s no better time to do it than now.

I’m getting over this fear. Starting today.

Tags: failure, fears, the f word