I’d consider myself a tomboy most days. I like action movies and sports. If you see me, most of the time I’m wearing jeans and a t-shirt and have my hair pulled back into a ponytail.

I’m not a girlie girl.

That’s not to say though, that I don’t like girlie things. I enjoy makeup and playing with my hair. My favorite color is magenta. Occasionally, I like “girl drinks” such as margaritas and strawberry daiquiris. Despite all my girlish tendencies, I have very few girl friends.

My experience with most girls is that they are dramatic, whiny, gossips, while my guy friends are the exact opposite. I’ve never had a guy friend stab me in the back, try to sleep with my boyfriend, or hold grudges against me, while half of my (former) girl friends have done at least one of the 3. Out of the few girl friends I have, there’s only one that I would consider myself really close to and due to the fact that she has a family and life of her own, we rarely see each other.

Those days that I want to go shopping, drink a Cosmo and have chit chat, it would be nice to be able to call a few females. Sometimes, I just want to indulge in my girlie side and I’m tired of my guy friends making fun of me for wanting to watch So You Think You Can Dance. As lame as it might sound, I want to go shopping, share each others clothes and be able to have a shoulder to cry on that doesn’t smell like men’s cologne.

Where are “my girls” at and why can’t I seem to find them?

The F word. It scares me.

FAILURE

I’m deathly afraid of failing.

I’m not really sure where the fear came from, but I know I’ve felt it my entire life. A lot of it probably has to do with always feeling rejected. I was the shy, awkward, introverted kid growing up. I got made fun of by my peers for no reason. I didn’t have many friends and the ones I did have were a bunch of shy, awkward introverts themselves. Not knowing why I was “hated” kept me from striving to go further. I liked to play in the “safe zone”. The comfortable spot where I did ok, but wasn’t spectacular. I’d been rejected so many times before, by peers, friends, boys, etc, that I was afraid to do anything that I wasn’t 100% positive I could do. It felt like any time I did take a risk I was almost always rejected, and every time would send me further and further into my shy, introverted shell.

This fear is affecting me more lately because I realize what I am doing is keeping me from being truly happy with life. I have so many plans, things that I want to do and projects I want to start. Things that I know, deep down in my heart, I’ll succeed at. But for whatever reason, I can’t seem to pull the trigger. I have this desperate need to feel independent, yet a crippling fear that I might fail if I take a risk.

It’s a vicious cycle, but it’s something that I’ve acknowledged and is something that I’m determined to get through. Without failure, I don’t learn. I don’t improve. If I refuse to take a risk, I’ll be stuck going through the motions of life instead of actually really living it.

I’m done with settling for what could have been and I’m going to start making these dreams a reality. I’m ready to take my life by the balls and stop denying myself of the things I want and deserve. It’s going to be hard and I might (*gasp*) fail at some point, but I feel like there’s no better time to do it than now.

I’m getting over this fear. Starting today.

Tags: failure, fears, the f word

I’ve never really thought that I was exceptionally good at anything. There’s plenty of things that I’m ok at, but nothing that really stands out as being exceptional. To date, I haven’t found one thing that just “came natural”. I’ve always had to work to be good at anything.

When I was a kid, my parents enrolled me in gymnastics and dance classes. I enjoyed it and was awarded a few medals in the competitions the school had, but my classmates always seemed to progress faster and easier than I did. While a few of the girls in my age went ahead to more advanced classes, I stayed in the same classes before moving on.

School was the same way. Although I rarely got less than a B, I always had to work, especially at math. I had a tutor that got me through my high school algebra classes and always had to study for science and history tests. In college, I put myself under great pressure to create amazing projects, while it seemed like some of my peers created them with ease.

In a lot of ways this bothers me. I guess I’m a little jealous of people that are naturally gifted. My whole life, I’ve felt like I have to fight tooth and nail to get results I’d be proud of. It would be nice if some things were just a bit easier.

But on the other hand, I feel like if things were easier, I’d stop fighting so hard to become better. I know that I’m very hard on myself; it’s a part of who I am. Whether it’s work related or personal, I’m always willing to learn how to become better. I try hard and even if I don’t like something, I’m dedicated to it. If things came naturally, would I have the same desire to try and improve myself?

If being exceptional means losing my desire and dedication to improve, I will stick with being just average.

Tags: being average, me