Today is Dave’s 32nd birthday. I like birthdays when they aren’t mine. (I’m almost always miserable on my birthday.) I am taking him to Kobe Steakhouse. Jenn and Gerald are coming to. Happy Birthday Babe! I love you!

Tags: birthdays, Dave, life

This weeks WTF Friday is brought to you by my friend Chris, or as I like to call him, Cycle T (don’t ask). I’ve never had a guest writer here, but when I told him I wanted to feature the below video for this weeks WTF Friday, he literally begged me to write the post. If we were talking face to face, instead of through g chat, I would imagine him grabbing on to my leg like a toddler that doesn’t want his mommy to leave him with the babysitter.

chris: dude
barb
you GOTTA let me do this one
you GOTTA
OH MAN BARB
YOU GOTTA
BAAAAAAARB
BARB LEMME DO THIS
me: ok ok

What did I just agree to??

This video is probably NSFW, unless your boss is really cool. And someone please convince Chris to start a blog. This had me in tears.

Greetings and salutations fellow ne’er-do-wells. It is I, your plucky contributor and clandestine wordsmith, Cycle-T. When Barb told me about the content she would be featuring on this week’s WTF Friday, I immediately fell to my knees and BEGGED for the chance to write this article. For you see, this article was to be about something near and dear to my heart. Something that beats at the very core of every red-blooded American, and is as important to our culture as baseball, apple pie, and death by lethal injection. I talk of course, of massive vibrating sex machines developed by Japanese sociopaths.

The TENDER LOVER, developed by Japanese business mogul David Lee is a wonder of the modern world. Completing his masterpiece after 4 years of development, Mr. Lee elegantly describes his marital aide as, “Just like a man, only better. Like a Superman.” He manages to say this with a straight face, all the while his product pulses beside him, giving off this eerie malign intelligence. I’m almost certain that if Mr. Lee had given the Tender Lover legs, he would have been stomped to death in the studio by the creature. Then it would go back in time to kill John Conner and prevent the humans from rising against the machines.

As you watch the video, I’d like to point out and elaborate on some of the features that the Tender Lover has to offer.

Thrust-ability: OK, first of all I don’t know why Mr. Lee chose to use the leg of a coffee table to attach the penile instrument to, but he did, so deal with it. The thrusting is innocent at first, but then after he touches a dial on the command console which looks like a vintage HAM radio, the machine accelerates to dangerous levels. This thing could hammer a nail through sheet metal at its highest setting.

Vibration: A pretty standard run-of-the-mill feature for a… vibrator… but again Mr. Lee has taken things to horrifying proportions. On its LOWER settings, the thing becomes an actual pink blur. I’m guessing that, if turned up to the max setting of 10, it would vibrate past the sound barrier, and the air in the room would alight from the massive amounts of friction.

Lights: As if destroying your insides wasn’t enough, the Tender Lover blinks like a string of Christmas Tree lights. HOW FESTIVE! This is literally the same technology that they put in little kid’s sneakers.

The Wonderful Resonance: This god awful attachment is for the ladies who like to be felt up by soft mutant crab claws. What looks more like a infant’s oven mitt, this device is intended to stimulate both sensitive areas on a lady. What it actually does, though, is haunts my dreams and chokes me until I wake up gasping and screaming for air. And of course, it also comes complete with his trademark light-up technology.

Some attachments and accessories I would have liked to see:

- Wireless DSL uplink, so you can blog while on the operating table at the hospital as the paramedics try to remove the device.
- an iPod dock, so you can listen to Aerosmith and Styx while you destroy your colon.
- Full Black and Decker wrench set drawer, just like Bob Villa uses.
- a ShamWoW cubby, to clean up all of your blood you will spill.
- a sturdy rubber ball gag, to muffle your screams of agony (expressing pain only makes it stronger).
- an M11 short-burst Plasma pulse Carbine, so you can fight back when the Tender Lover rises up to become our new supreme robot overlord.
- A shred of your remaining dignity saved in a bottle, so you can gaze upon it longingly and remember what life was like in the “before times”…. Before you found your… Tender Lover.

AND WHO THE HELL IS THAT OTHER GUY?! Why is he just sitting there?!? Oh god, he’s fondling the claw… Look upon this sad man. This shell of a human being. The Tender Lover doesn’t just vibrate waves of joy; it destroys your SOUL.

Anyway, I ordered 8 of them because Sams had a bundle pack for sale. If you would like one gifted to you, just send a check or money order.

Tags: insanity, WTF Friday

I decided to do a part 2 to my early 90′s TV post because, let’s face it, the 90′s kicked a lot of ass when it came to TV. And there certainly wasn’t a shortage of cute teenage actors for us middle school girls to drool over. While middle schoolers today are obsessed with the Jonas Brothers and that one dude from the Twilight movie, back in my day, it was all about these guys…

Luke Perry

Luke Perry got famous for being Dylan McKay on Beverly Hills, 90210. I think it was safe to say that he was my first celebrity crush. I would religiously watch this show every week and I almost had a heart attack when I found out it was being remade. Nothing will ever compare to the original. That new crappy version can suck it.

Jonathan Taylor Thomas

When I was in middle school Home Improvement was THE SHOW to watch and Jonathan Taylor Thomas was on the minds of EVERY GIRL. I had posters on my walls of him from every issue of Teen Beat (do they even still make that magazine anymore?) I used to write “I heart JTT” on all my school notebooks. My friends and I were obsessed with him. His eyes. His hair. His adorable laugh. Everything about him I loved. Now I ask, what happened to you JTT?

Joshua Jackson

When I was in high school, Dawson’s Creek was super popular and Joshua Jackson was the new boy obsession. I religiously watched Dawson’s Creek every Wednesday and was totally on the “Pacey and Joey” team. I wanted them to be together forever! By then, I was out of the plastering posters all over my wall phase and was more obsessed with the show in general. I remember being seriously upset when it ended. What was I going to do with my Wednesday night?

Joshua Jackson is now on Fringe, which I’ve never actually watched, but hear is good. I think he’s the only one that still has a decent career in acting. No matter what character he plays though, in my eyes, he’ll always be Pacey!

Who was your 90′s celebrity crush?

Tags: daily, nostalgia, photos